Reflection.

Blinking eyes blankly through the walls trying so hard to just understand what love and pain is. Why can’t we just stay happy and never feel pain or guilt or anything breaking us. Why can’t we just LOVE, be loved and stay happy. Why am I feeling as if something is passing by while I am sitting here doing absolutely nothing. I am blank, I have spilled black ink on my white papers, I am afraid to turn the pages forward, am afraid the remaining pages will get stained by this ink. Am scared to just move forward, why do we have to move forward? Leaving behind so many sensations and feelings and words, so many people and our thread with them. Regrets, only regrets remain and I sit there looking like a joke and trying to push myself to just get done with the life. Trying my smile not to fade away, to just not let people know the sad me, the regretful me is still there behind the sparkly smile. I am not ready to accept defeat, never but I am tired, so tired to just keep walking when that’s something I am not willing to do. It is not my path, not my destination. I never stood up for this, it was given to me by luck. Why can’t we just stop what we’re doing and just run away to do what we want to. I am chained by these pre-defined actions and things to do that now my throat is backing out on me, am dried , out of breath, just trying to find one mole of oxygen to just live. I am not dead, neither am I dying but am not living too, am just surviving, just continuing what life has defined for me.

It is painful to just watch yourself go down the path you never saw yourself going, watching yourself falling down so bad and not being able to help your own self. It is the purest defeat you can get. I was there looking so helpless, at my own self just tearing down and not being able to support my own self, I couldn’t, the power of holding and speaking out was taken from me. I am heartbroken to just see so much of hatred and pain. I am not the one who is ready to just put down the sword so early but what should we do while battling our own self? Where every single scratch will be tearing you apart and every single stitch you’d stitch yourself, only you are your enemy and worst is you war and live in the same place; the same body. I am not to be blamed for this war am going through. It is not that I have never been at war with anyone, I have been and I have won mostly, at least I have felt like a winner, but this time it is me, against me and best or worst I know everything about my enemy but my hands are tied to just make any move against myself. I am not afraid to hurt myself, but I don’t trust myself to take the right sides. Besides when did I say I am sure of myself? I never was and never will be. Humans are too proud to even think that they possess even an ant like power to control even their own thinking.

Breathing the air but am just not able to inhale the sensations I need. Am missing out on so many things but maybe this thought solely is making me miss out things put in my plate. Problem was never the people or the things that were given to me, problem have always been resided in me, growing bigger and stronger right inside my own skin. Wouldn’t it be suicide if I peeled my skin off even to just get rid of this parasite. I am backing out on myself. Would you back out too?